Saint Seiya: Celebrating Twenty Years Of Nonsense
by Aayla Security
Summary: A tribute to the great Anime series through the immortalization of the Saints' comedic performance. The Latest: See how the Saints, including Awful!Aiolia, Killer!Camus and Agonizer!Aphrodite, appraise and demonstrate the depth of their characters.
1. Premier! Bashing Begins

THE NEW AGE OF SAINT SEIYA – CELEBRATING TWENTY YEARS OF NONSENSE

FADE IN:

INT. PROLOGUE

ANNOYING VOICE OVER: _Saint Seiya_ is the greatest story that has ever been told. This timeless tale of brave youths fighting for peace, love and justice has inspired countless individuals (and merchandise products), and has become an icon of the most moving combination of art and moral lessons. However, the origin of this classic hit series has remained hidden, and no one knew the mystery…until now. Today, in celebration of the twentieth anniversary of the creation of _Saint Seiya_, we will take you to a nostalgic trip down the memory lane of the epic that gives birth to the combination of superb animation, deep storylines, and the ever-memorable characters. This all begins with the Premier of the new Hades Saga.

EXT. RED CARPET, EXTERIOR OF TOEI ANIMATION OFFICE

AIOLIA ("HIMSELF"): Welcome to Saint Seiya OVA Hades Saga Premier.

Shots are depicting various "ACTORS" walking around, signing autographs, smiling brightly at the camera, etc. The camera close ups to a huge poster of PEGASUS SEIYA KICKING PEOPLE IN THE GUTS AND MAKING THREATENING GESTURES TO THE VIEWERS, captioned "THE NEW AGE OF SAINT SEIYA", then the shot pans to GOLD SAINTS, who have donned their armors.

APHRODITE ("HIMSELF"): I loved it from the moment that I-I read the script. It was a … very beautiful, very moving, very cleverly written and, and uh… i-it actually brought a-a tear to my eye when I read the last page. It was incredible.

CAMUS ("HIMSELF"): This is one of the best scripts I've ever read. This is…an anime I am proud to be in.

SHAKA ("HIMSELF"): The characters are beautifully written, line by line, in terms of their dialogue, they all have, you know, depths to them – they are not just sort of fleshed in and so and the opportunity to work with each other was the finest thing, I think.

MU ("HIMSELF"): I think everyone who has seen the previous episodes will be…_overwhelmed_ by this sequel. Uh…it's a big…heart-wrenching…exciting…emotional…heart-wrenching occasion. You'll see. I mean it.

SAGA ("HIMSELF"): The best drama in the last ten years. I'm telling you, this is the most original, beautiful, wonderful, moving, warm drama I've…seen since…sliced bread.

DEATHMASK ("HIMSELF"): It's a really just fine musical. And it's one of those plays that just kinda stays with you 'cause the message is really, just uplifting, and everyone is just fantastic – I mean just so likable, and, you know, the setting and mythologies…and it's just a really great musical, you've got a melting pot. You just kinda get all those interesting elements that are interesting. I can't wait for this to be shown on Broadway.

ALDEBARAN ("HIMSELF"): It's one of those movies where everyone kinda just feels great walking out of the theater, but you also kinda examine your life and see where you are and talk about everything and you know be thankful for really simple things in life that we take advantage – take, take kind of granted.

AIOLIOS ("HIMSELF"): It involves a lot more angst, a lot more action and a lot more tragedy. It's a Shakespeare classic. You can't help but weep when Seiya finally decided to avenge his father by spreading his wings and flying away.

KANON ("HIMSELF"): It has a profound message to it. It really shows how much the Creator has to offer for the viewer. I think, by the end of today, the audience will realize the weight of this social commentary, and what happens with the characters, and how profound it is. And what was required of Seiya, as people, in terms of how to manifest that, how to show that. Not only show the negative side of what the society's doing to Seiya, but also make it a progression.

AIOLIA ("HIMSELF"): The Hades Saga will definitely remain one of my favorites of this Sci-Fi series. This was a real effort on our part, and The Creator and The Director as well, we'd sort of sit down and talk about the great moments, and really make sure that there was an obvious advancement in the story. But that was a lot of fun, you know, I loved working on that stuff. My personal favorite is Seiya's transformation into Vader.

MILO ("HIMSELF"): It is REALLY fun to play. And it's REALLY fun to watch, because it's very funny. Because the writing is so brilliant. It's a very, VERY great comedy. But it's also dark, but good, because, you know, it's the best combination, I think, and really, fantastically moving. Seiya is so moving. And yet he is also incredibly funny.

SHURA ("HIMSELF"): It is really a timeless classic that you'll never get tired of watching. It is…very technical, very complex, spiritual journey of how this young, really just strong soul came to know the weight of that responsibility and that he must stop the war between werewolves and vampires.  
(pause)  
Look, I know what I'm talking about, okay? So did all of us Saints. Don't look at us like we are full of shit. I know what this movie's about and I know what to say about it. What? There are no werewolves and vampires in _Saint Seiya_? Then how the hell did Sieya become that ridiculous half-werewolf half-vampire thing?

The CAMERA hastily pans to the BRONZE SAINTS, who are hugging their FANS and waving to the hysteria in the crowd which might result in violent behavior. Trying out a pose in front of a poster, SHUN crouches and grins happily at the camera, failing to notice his position makes it seem like POSTER SEIYA is stomping on his head.

FADE OUT TO BLACK. Seconds later, GOLDEN WORDS fade in. It reads TIMELESS EPIC.

FADE OUT. FADE IN:

INT. TOEI ANIMATION OFFICE

SEIYA looks distinctly uncomfortable. He stares at the camera, nervously, for a moment, before he seems to remember something.

SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): It is…really…a story…of fights. Of struggles.

CUT TO MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:

INT. APOLLO'S TEMPLE

SEIYA (to Apollo, who has got himself too close to Athena): HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BITCH? SEIYA SMAAAAAAASH!

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. ARENA

HYOGA: EXPENSIVE JEWELRY STONE DEBRIS!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): It is fast, exciting, and moving. It's very engaging. But it's also a story of love.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. KIDO MANSION

SHIRYU: Shun, what are you crying about this time?

SHUN (sniffs): I just find it somewhat upsetting that my brother was probably sexually attracted to a person who for morbid reasons looked exactly like me, save for the fact that she was female and she dyed her hair.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): Of courage.

CUT BACK TO SERIES:

INT. TAURUS TEMPLE

BRONZE SAINTS: Uh…we are brave because…uh…we really, desperately want to win, even though that means discarding morality and commonsense in general.

ALDEBARAN: I hope you all get convicted as war criminals, infected by malaria then exiled to Mars.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): Of sacrifices.

CUT BACK TO SERIES:

EXT. STAIRS TO PISCES TEMPLE

SHUN and SEIYA have spent nearly 20 minutes out of less than an hour to save ATHENA by watching EPISODES 60 AND 61, complete with SEIYA'S BEHIND-THE-SCENE COMMENTARY.

SHUN (snapped out of his reverie): Wait; why are we wasting precious time on recycling old episodes? You know I'm gonna die, don't you?

SEIYA: Well, doesn't occur to you as mildly disturbing that not only you are feminine, but also your spiritual manifestation is always a woman in revealing clothing? What is the Creator _thinking_, anyhow?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): And of great hope.

CUT TO THE MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:

INT. SEIYA'S ROOM

SEIYA: Do you know why we fight for Athena? Do you? DO YOU?

HYOGA: Er…because we are big pussies?

SEIYA: HYOGA!

HYOGA: I mean, seriously, when was the last time we gave a really good argument for what we are fighting for, other than because that's our job and plus Athena is hot?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF"): But it really, is a story of friendship. The strength of fighting together.

CUT BACK TO SERIES:

INT. CAPRICORN TEMPLE

SEIYA, SHUN AND HYOGA (walking off): Right. We will just by-stand your death by the hands of this sick dude, because it's far easier to fight enemies with one person than three.

SHIRYU: I hate you so much.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHUN ("HIMSELF"): Those… are basic honorable things, I-I think it's the honorable nature of these things. They are all things that we will ask ourselves like we are aspired to and hope we would behave in this way we find ourselves in the same circumstances those characters in the series.

CUT TO MOVIE HEAVEN CHAPTER:

INT. ATHENA ESTATE

ANGELS: Bow down before Goddess Artemis!

SEIYA: Fuck you! MY GODDESS HAS BIGGER TITS THAN YOUR GODDESS!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF"): What you find in anime especially in _Saint Seiya_ is, you know, you find emotional moments, moments of, just, admiring the courage, of somebody, the selflessness, of somebody, realizing that-that this person is taking themselves to, to the point of Death, because of, of something they believe in, somebody that they love.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. CANCER TEMPLE

SHIRYU: We are Athena's Saints, because Athena is the embodiment of Love and Justice and we believe in Love and Justice.

DEATHMASK: Oh really? Well, your Goddess doesn't even grant you the power of only temporarily paralyzing people or reversing their bad intentions! You always have to assume they are hopelessly evil and FIGHT THEM TO DEATH, so that they can never have the hope of redemption. Just what kind of Goddess of _Love_ and _Justice_ is that?!

SHIRYU: Uh, logic gags my brain. Hold on while I telepathically consult my Master.

DOHKO (V.O.): Destroy him.

SHIRYU: Okay.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

HYOGA ("HIMSELF"): It is a work of extraordinary art. The animation is just…so stunning. The spectacular action is really fierce and fast. And the emotional sequences are very beautifully and skillfully done. I can't tell you how many times I cry when I watch the part where Hyoga visits his mother, not to mention there is something deep and amazing to see how the characters cope with so many different and difficult situations.

CUT BACK TO SERIES:

INT. POPE'S THRONE ROOM

SEIYA is fighting for his life.

EVIL SAGA: Time to die, Pegasus.

SEIYA: I'm so tired. I need some coffee. No, I only drink freshly brewed Starbucks, none of that canned crap. Where's my script? Can you check my make-up? Are you supposed to cast the spotlight that way? Is the camera angel right? Are you sure? Are my armors properly highlighted? Is that imaginary Pegasus on the background sized visually appealingly? Are those symbolic straight lines that make it seem like I'm running spaced appropriately? Am I supposed to move to the left a little bit so that this particular shot of me looks absolutely gorgeous? This is perfect? It'd better be. Now that I have mastered just the right pose in which the right proportion of my fists are shown relative to the rest of my body and so everything is in the Golden Ratio, I can just hold still for a while and do nothing but moving my lips.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

IKKI ("HIMSELF"): _Saint Seiya_ has a fantastic, award-deserving script. There is subtlety, and it has you gripped and credits the audience with intelligence. There is not a line of wasted dialogue and the movie incorporates a number of complexities that are not immediately obvious. The audience would receive intellectual satisfaction from watching _Saint Seiya_.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. STAIRS TO POPE'S THRONE ROOM

ANNOYING VOICE OVER: I shall assume everyone in the audience is a moron.

The SCREEN shows BRONZE SAINTS RUNNING.

ANNOYING VOICE OVER: Those are Bronze Saints. They are running.

It then shows SEIYA'S COSMO glowing.

HYOGA: Oh dear, Seiya's cosmo is glowing.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SAORI ("HERSELF"): It's a truly remarkable story. It's not like any story you've ever seen. Every generation of audience has its most celebrated cinema event, and I have to say I'm honored to be the one of our time. _Saint Seiya_ is worthy of the fame she enjoys. It's a culture phenomenon. There are many anime series now that are edited out of sequence and have multiple plots but this is the one they all want to be, or all want to beat, but never will. I've never seen anything created with so much sophistication, so much love and care, and such utter perfection of craft that you can't help but walk away and wonder how did the cast and crew and especially me make this possible?

CUT BACK TO MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:

INT. APOLLO'S ESTATE

ABEL kills SAORI, thank GOD.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

OBNOXIOUS FALSE PROMISE: The startling revelation by brave heroes continues! Themes of the epic adventure are explored, but will the Warriors investigate the emotional and intellectual depth of their fellow Saints' character? Next time: Personality Insights! Athena's Saints Speak. Can you feel the cosmo burning?

FADE OUT.

* * *

Author's Note: I don't own _Saint Seiya_. Yeah, I hear you say "DAMN STRAIGHT". Also, this piece is, in fact, sort of a prequel to my actual parody of the Hades Arc. Although I'm sure you hate this writing, I will, er, try to finish it, yet whether I will post the parody of the Hades Arc is depending on the reviews I get. 

Author's Second Note: Just in case you don't get it, Seiya's line "My Goddess...your Goddess" is a direct reference to the infamous George Carlin routine that claims religious folks slaughter people of a different religion because "My God has a bigger dick than you God!". Also, OBNOXIOUS FALSE PROMISE aka preview is in fact written in the exact format of actual previews that follow real _Saint Seiya_ episodes (yes, with the sentence "Can you feel the cosmo burning?"). And finally, as I remember to say it this time, PLEASE REVIEW!

Author's Third Note: I feel that I must apologize for not updating as soon as I should have. Since I have the nasty habit of re-reading my own stuff for about three times per minute, I'm always revising posted works and delaying new works. Since this chapter, especially the latter part, apparently didn't flow too well, I have made some changes to hopefully fix the issues. 


	2. Personality Insights! The Saints Speak

Seconds later, GOLDEN WORDS fade in. It reads MEMORABLE CHARACTERS. FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

EXT. BEACH

MARIN: Seiya, my baby, I'm afraid this androgynous assassin and I are sent here to claim your life.

SEIYA: ANDROGYNOUS ASSASSIN? WHERE?!

At this point, a delicate warm breeze suddenly brushes their cheeks. Millions of spring flowers blossom across the land, their sweet scent and petals swirling and awing any soul who is present. Thousands of joyful little birds appear dancing in the air, their hearts singing beautiful songs of praises. And, as though in amidst of a dream of bliss, behold, there standeth a figure bathed in the soft, bright sunlight that is cast through the crystalline sky, and is indeed, the most wondrous fair, with hair of sunshine gold and lips that shame the red, red rose. A deep sound speaketh thus:

MISTY (in his thick, masculine voice): Purrrr. I'm so sorry for being perrrrrrrfect.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

CAMUS ("HIMSELF"): The cast are a great lot. I mean, everyone just so gets along with everyone else. This may sound crazy, but it is on an hourly basis that we have important interactions whose weight will surely be carried over into the latter part of our lives.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. MU'S HIDEOUT

MU and KIKI are having a wholesome family conversation.

MU: How's your training going, Kiki?

KIKI: Fuck you, Master. You simple-minded PRICK! Mind you own business and pass the cheerios!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

MILO ("HIMSELF"): We have really become a bigger family, and we have stayed in contact even though the shooting has ended.

CUT TO THE MAKING OF VIDEO:

INT. CAPRICORN TEMPLE

SHURA is staring at the camera. He looks as if he has just been through the worst day of his life.

SHURA ("HIMSELF"): Today is October 3, 2000. I'm on the set of Saint Seiya. I'm filming this because I want to declare how much I hate this production and this long-hour-low-pay job. And those disgraceful trouser stains in human form with whom I have to constantly interact even though otherwise I would have tried every single route to avoid any association with them. I've never been this humiliated and mentally tortured. I can't believe nature would create these self-righteous, vain, nauseating _things_ and force me to actually acknowledge them – I mean, full-of-shit purple-haired men, arrogant giants, crazy people who've escaped from mental institutions, no-good sadists, blatant photo copies of the protagonist, rambling pseudo Buddhists, senile old men who are still full-of-shit, more no-good sadists, ghosts, dorky Frenchmen who are also full-of-shit, and assholes who use make-up and multi-task? Seriously? And even _they_ dare to call me MORONIC AXMEN!

CUT TO INTERVIEWS:

APHRODITE ("HIMSELF"): One of the main strengths of _Saint Seiya_, as a story, lies in her characters. They are all very interesting people, whom, um, you can relate to, identify with, and care about.

CUT TO MOVE THE LEGEND OF CRIMSON YOUTH:

EXT. STAIRS TO APOLLO TEMPLE

IKKI (testing the limit of Aphrodite's feminineness): Will you date me, my Goddess Aphrodite, famous because your name is totally all that? And that little beauty mark? Is there anything about you that hasn't given your feminineness away?

APHRODITE: Oh, this is so coy. Why don't you just take a hike and leave me alone, lover-boy? (pause) Wait…What? What the hell is going on? Can you actually be that despicable to blatantly humiliate other people?!

IKKI: Well, you are nothing but a good-for-nothing lame-ass she-male with a heart of rotten cake! Ha ha!

APHRODITE: And YOU are nothing but a waste of natural resources that values distance from other wastes of natural resources oh-so-very-much that even though you could have showed up earlier, you just had to wait till your comrades were half-dead because you were busy practicing your awful piece of crap of an entering speech! What are you, a major jerk or an indication of the Creator's severe lack of rational consideration in developing the plot?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

DOHKO ("HIMSELF"): They are all very realistic and 3-D like. When you are watching the series, you can really feel, just, that the characters are speaking to you. As if you are part of the epic.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. AQUARIUS TEMPLE

CAMUS (singing):

I'm dreaming of a white Sanctuary,  
Just like that place I used to know,  
Where the temples glisten,  
And people frozen,  
To feel absolute zero

HYOGA: Oh no, my grandmaster Camus has uttered the immortal lines that can prompt his strongest attack, which clearly involves pretty colors and dramatic music! And his cosmo is glowing gold! This is indeed very urgent! Quick, everybody hold your breath and pray for my safety! Jesus, Lord, protector of all that is good and holy, deliver me from cold weather and wishy-washy holiday spirit!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

AIOLOS ("HIMSELF"): This is a show that readily stresses on the characters. This is a show that has something truly important to offer. The characters are consistent within themselves, and that makes them recognizable, in a sense.

INT. ARENA

SEIYA has beaten the hell out of GEKI, who in this battle is actually morally equivalent to SEIYA.

SHUN (acting exactly the same like everyone else other than Geki): THAT'S for underestimating a Protagonist Opponent, you motherfucking loser!

GEKI: Am I supposed to believe that a misanthropic and detached individual like you is that "caring" pacifist?

SHUN: If you can ignore how many times I contradict myself and be just as heartless and blood-thirsty as my comrades are. I can mindlessly jump straight to killing people without thinking twice, before or after the act, because I'm too stupid and frankly don't care about the consequences of my actions. (pause) Except for Aphrodite, who is dangerous, ungodly arrogant and definitely doesn't look ready to forfeit. Which is why, in a later movie, I do not waste a second on giving him a second chance, although at the same time I do have the mood and time to appreciate pretty gardening.

GEKI: And you are the best person in this universe? Are you sure this is not intentionally hilarious?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

AIOLOS ("HIMSELF"): And the nice part is…um, the nice part is that the consistency is balanced by the constant development of the characters, which has greatly enriched this series. It has developed a whole new philosophy of the formation of personal identities, and what constitutes a person, and what makes you you. Here is a series that has devoted itself to this important subject matter.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. POPE'S THRONE ROOM

SAGA (V. O.): Seiya and Shun will be the death of you!

EVIL SAGA: Because they have grown up, both personally and professionally?

SAGA (V. O.): No, of course not. They are still essentially the same twits you saw in the beginning of this series, in the sense that hardly anything has changed in their thought and decision process. It just so happens that they have leveled up, with improved HP, Senses and Feats, which is basically the largest extent to which characters in this RPG series evolve.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

ALDEBARAN ("HIMSELF"): _Saint Seiya_ is a success in many aspects, and the most important one is that each character, in some fundamental sense, differs from one another.

CUT TO MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:

EXT. SOME MOUNTAINS

SHIRYU: We should try to rescue/revive Athena, again.

SHUN: No! (pause) You are right, Shiryu.

HYOGA: That's a really good idea, Shiryu.

SHIRYU: Eh…? Wait, we are supposed to be very different from each other! How can we speak exactly the same words, do exactly the same things, and even have exactly the same facial expressions?

SHUN: Hey, at least we don't LOOK alike.

INT. LEO TEMPLE

AIOLIA has dyed his dark brown hair, which was shared by his brother, URINE BLONDE.

AIOLIA (ignoring the imminent vaporization of Athena): _Now_ do I look different from Seiya?

OTHER GOLD SAINTS: Seriously, no.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

ALDEBARAN ("HIMSELF"): This deep difference in characters, this revelation of what truly separates us and makes every single person unique, is what really contributes to – uh, _explains_ why this series is such a success, and why the viewers hold it in such high regard – precisely because it touches the deepest corners of the viewers' soul. (pause) Excuse me.

He runs off to the bathroom with his palms covering his mouth.

FADE OUT. FADE IN.

OBNOXIOUS FALSE PROMISE: The startling revelation by the Brave Heroes continues! After the Saints' exciting general comments on themselves, they inevitably face what could be the toughest task in their career yet: Talk about specific Saints with whom they have exchanged no more than three lines! Next time: The Special Immortal Unit! Seiya is the One. Can you feel the cosmo burning?

FADE OUT TO BLACK.

* * *

Author's Note: I'm sorry for the short length of the update after such a long time. The next "chapter" will be much longer than this one, I promise. Also, the conversation script between Mu and Kiki was again a reference to comedian George Carlin, whose original version is: 

- How's that science project coming along, Justin?

- Fuck you, Dad! You simple-minded PRICK! Mind your own business and pass the cheerios!


	3. Bronze Saints!

Author's Note: I dislike writing things then leaving them hanging there, but I've decided to embark on a project that has a higher chance of completion. Obviously I cannot compensate the readers the tremendous time lag entirely, but perhaps posting some of the completed portions will mitigate the sting. The first part is on Bronze Saints. The second part will be posted next Tuesday. Enjoy!

FADE IN:

SHURA ("HIMSELF")

As a senior Saint, I was very excited when I saw how my younger comrades matured and grew up – not only as Saints, but also as persons.

CUT TO THE MAKING OF VIDEO:

INT. STUDIO

SEIYA, HYOGA, SHIRYU, SHUN and IKKI stroll around with pride. They walk pass VETERAN GOLD SAINTS, who are eyeing them critically.

SHURA ("HIMSELF")

(disdainfully)

Who are they?

DEATHMASK ("HIMSELF")

Extras, obviously. Hell, I've been a Saint for years and those _babies_ are coming off like some fucking founding fathers with Steven Spielberg in their pockets! I hate extras.

SHAKA ("HIMSELF")

You and me, man. Those people are lucky I don't carry nuclear weapons.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHAKA ("HIMSELF")

The Bronze Saints are certainly, by far, the most respectable group of outstanding spirits. They are passionate, energetic, brave, determined, sincere, brilliant, independent yet welcoming self-starters who genuinely aspired to become guardians of truths and champions of justice, and totally succeeded at that. They were…almost like Gods…namely myself.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. ADMISSION OFFICE

TOKUMARU

Oh, so you want to sign up for Main Cast duty? Give me a reason why we should admit you into our elite squad.

SHUN

Well, I'm special in that at some point I'm so cute and/or pathetic that the audience can't decide whether to love or to run me over with a truck.

TOKUMARU

(checking the sign-up sheet)

Well, let's see …yes, we do have one vacancy for a useless and obscenely feminized pacifist to complete our gallery of absurd personalities. Congratulations; you are hired.

(hands Shun his new ID)

Andromeda Shun, you are now an official member of the Special Immortal Unit, best of the best of the entire Athenian army. You will be working with "Infernal" Ikki, "Shifty" Shiryu, "Hateful" Hyoga, and "Psychotic" Seiya.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SAGA ("HIMSELF")

This anime is really the Bronze Saints' story.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. ARENA

A giant brawl is taking place.

SEIYA

Comet fists! Comet fists!

HYOGA

Diamond dusts!

SHIRYU

Ro-ro-zan Sho…or crap, what is it…oh yes, Ryu Ha!

SHUN

Nebula chain! And fairy dusts!

JABU

Unicorn powers!

GEKI

Bear powers!

ICHI

Wow, it's awesome that six episodes in and _nothing_ has happened yet!

IKKI

(entering)

I can't believe the audience are _still_ watching this!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

MU ("HIMSELF")

They are the people who have attained great achievements that are truly remarkable for their age, because life is not about what you have done; it's about living _your _life, even though that will reaffirm your questionable and terrible existence as a loser. Wait, scratch that.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. GATE OF ORPHANAGE

SEIYA is surrounded by a hundred or so KIDS, helpfully answering questions, inflating his ego, and such.

KIDS

Brother Seiya, you're known as a model of personal development and success. Would you have a description of yourself if someone needed you to describe yourself?

SEIYA

Well, I would best describe myself as…a model of personal development and success. And I'm Sagittarius. My favorite food is butter pudding.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHUN ("HIMSELF")

The title "Saint Seiya" refers to Seiya, who has journeyed through the entire series, towards his taking the throne of, uh, the Imaginary Kingdom.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. HOSPITAL

AIOLIA

(distressed)

So instead of Seiya being the villain, _I_ am the villain here? I will need some pretty damn solid proof to upset my entire belief system and reorient my life goals!

(pause)

Here's an idea. Can I verify Your claim by punching You?

ATHENA

(smiles sadistically)

Okay.

AIOLIA

Really?

ATHENA

Really.

AIOLIA

Consent out of Your own free will?

ATHENA

(impatient)

Out of My own free will, yes.

AIOLIA

Excellent. Now if ANYONE asks why I punched a Female, this is the reason.

(pause)

DID YOU HEAR THAT, SEIYA AND IRRESPONSIBLE HAUNTING? DO YOU WANT AN AUDIO RECORDING FOR EVIDENCE?

SEIYA

Jesus, what kind of intelligent persons would require proofs to believe a God?!

AIOLIA

That's so cute. I've never ever heard that one before, oh no sir. Say, why didn't you believe in Ares, or Jesus?

SEIYA

I don't need proof to not believe someone, either.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

MILO ("HIMSELF")

The line of Kings was thought of to have died out a long time ago. But there's one surviving heir in the line, and that is Seiya.

CUT TO MOVIE THE FINAL HOLY BATTLE:

EXT. EXTERIOR OF LUCIFER'S THRONE ROOM

SAGITTARIUS cloth flies to SEIYA to complete the DEUS EX MACHINA.

SEIYA

No! No I'm NOT going to wear some random person's underwear!

IKKI

Seiya, that's some else's revered body armor.

SEIYA

Oh.

SHIRYU

What's usually on your mind, anyway?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

ATHENA ("HERSELF")

When we first meet him he's a ranger from Japan, he's a loner who has chosen to live his life isolated from the rest of the society, really because he believes that his sister had the opportunity to destroy the One Ring and failed. And so Seiya grew with stress, uh, with this sense of failure.

Suddenly, SAORI, as if hearing something in the background, sits up bolt-straight and turns to something out of the screen.

ATHENA ("HERSELF") (CONT'D)

(yelling into the background)

What's that? Wrong movie? We are talking about the five-pseudo-Asian/Greek-dumbass thingy here? Oops, the camera is still running.

(flustered, looks back at camera)

Um, well, you see, Seiya is this most developed character with the greatest potential. Er...he is no doubt the strongest of Saints.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. ARENA

GEKI

What's your power?

SEIYA

Uh, I don't have any, really. I'm incapable of dying, though, so I guess I'm immortal, or something.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

Seiya is _not_ the brightest of Saints. But he is a very cunning professional when it comes to combat.

The SCREEN shows series footage where SEIYA is being tossed around.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

This is especially true in light of the complexity and uncertainty of the fights this series has presented. You _must_ employ strategies, not only to aggressively adapt to volatile situations, but also to understand the mechanics of an opponent's technique without alerting him or her of this intention. Seiya, needlessly to say, has excelled exceptionally in that respect. He has the uncanny talent in detecting the patterns of the opponent's attack and is quick to develop a truly innovative counterattack, even though the patterns of the opponent's attack are usually deliberately obscured by the opponent.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. GENERIC SAINT SEIYA LOCATION

GENERIC OPPONENT

Right. Precisely the moment I finish this conversation, I will unleash my A attack. If that doesn't work, I will use my B attack, which is stronger than A and it's a mystery why I don't employ B the first time. Five seconds later, I will use C, which can be countered by D, and the trick lies in E. Discounting the factors of F and G, my chances of winning using C will be X percent. Of course, I'm telling you this only because I don't believe that you are capable of unleashing miracles, even though that's all you do, really. And by the way, when I unleash C, it will look like (Insert Purple Prose), and its weakness lies in (Insert Pseudo Martial Arts/Mythological Noun).

SEIYA

Gee, thanks a lot.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Seiya is in and of himself an awesome warrior. He harnesses near-infinite power that is yet to be awakened, and his actual strength rivals that of, uh, the general hierarchy of religious authority and laws of this universe.

CUT BACK TO SAINT SEIYA THE MOVIE:

INT. ERIS TEMPLE

SEIYA

Hey, do you know what happens when an all-powerful Goddess is hit by an arrow? SHE WILL DROP DEAD LIKE A ROCK, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHUN ("HIMSELF")

But, his more virtuous trait is, I think, that he cares deeply for his friends. And this sense of justice, and mercy.

CUT TO BACK TO SERIES:

INT. ARENA

SEIYA is fighting against a perfectly healthy SHIRYU.

SEIYA

Jeeze, if only I knew how to trick him into becoming one of my useful and suicide-seeking allies…

MARIN (V. O.)

Hey Seiya, try justifying your friendship by rescuing him.

SEIYA

But he doesn't need to be rescued!

MARIN (V. O.)

I _said_, try justifying your friendship by rescuing him!

SEIYA

Oh, of course!

(punches Shiryu waaaay harder than required and causes him to board on the edge of Death)

Hurraaahhhhh! Now I will rescue you!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Seiya does not recognize higher powers. Nothing can dominate him, not if they are not his Heart. Or Athena, our Goddess, the eternal devotion to whom Seiya is most well-known for.

CUT TO MOVIE LEGEND OF THE CRIMSON YOUTH:

INT. APOLLO'S TEMPLE

SEIYA

(to Apollo, who has got himself too close to Athena)

HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BITCH? SEIYA SMAAAAAAASH!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

He is very aggressively assertive of his views, and it's admirable that he's not one to shy away from stating them very bluntly, even if everyone hates them.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. EVERYWHERE

SEIYA

(repeatedly and accusingly)

Does anyone know what a Saint is?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

ATHENA ("HERSELF")

He's mastered the art of the delivery of monologues. Seiya is truly the most wonderful protagonist one could hope for.

(pause)

In the context of a typical anime.

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

Seiya is a hero, but he couldn't possibly have succeeded without his friends.

CUT BACK TO WHEN SEIYA FIRST MET SHUN:

EXT. ARENA

SEIYA

But you look more like a girl than most girls.

SHUN

Not only that, I'm also frail, soft, delicate, and almost definitely don't have testicles.

SEIYA

So, how are you not a woman?

SHUN

I only have pseudo boobs.

SHIRYU

Is…is that a pink purse you are carrying? Did you just apply _moisturizer_?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

IKKI ("HIMSELF")

Andromeda Shun is just a beautiful, beautiful person.

CUT TO NUMEROUS FLASHBACKS, IN ALL OF WHICH SHUN IS CRYING.

INT. AND EXT. ALL SORTS OF OCCASIONS

SHUN

(crying)

Why am I so pathetic? WHY?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

IKKI ("HIMSELF")

He is really, a kind-hearted person. He's more than willing to _sacrifice_ himself for his friends, and I think that's one of those things you kinda get by the end of the day.

EXT. STAIRWAY TO PISCES TEMPLE

SHUN

Right. You just go ahead and leave me behind. I'll hold the enemy off with myself and my barely-functioning cosmo, which will ensure my death definitely, and I will try not to die, even though I myself have made it certain.

SEIYA

(pausing for a long moment)

Speaking of which, I just remembered this creepy story in which this stupid animal roasted himself to postpone another even stupider animal's death…just like you.

SHUN

(happily)

I'm so glad you think that way! Thanks for the compliment!

(pause)

Um, wait…

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

Shun's attacks are not THAT powerful, certainly not as Ikki's, but they are really useful.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. GEMINI TEMPLE

SEIYA

We should split up, again, because dividing brainpower even further will certainly aid us in solving this problem.

SHUN

This doesn't make sense. You are just being a self-righteous, brash and impulsive dick.

SEIYA

Your nebula chains are not just for battles, you know. Why don't you try using it to hang yourself?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Shun's weapon is really popular with us, arguably even more than himself.

CUT TO THE MAKING OF VIDEO:

INT. ARENA

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

Look, Shun, maybe it's not too late to nebula-chain your neck to a rocket.

ATHENA ("HERSELF")

I think it's obvious why I allowed him the only non-spiritual weapon.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. SANCTUARY OUTSKIRT

SHUN

Kant says war is only justified when it is the last resort, which is strictly defined as, as Brian would put it in 1997, when the immediate circumstance fulfills the seven sacred conditions, four of which are necessary but not sufficient, two are sufficient but not necessary, the other is –

SHIRYU

Why don't you activate your nebula chains and bind yourself to the railroad track?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

It was really…an _emotional_ moment for Shun when he met Pisces Aphrodite for the first time in his life. And that was when Shun really figured what it _means_ to be a Saint.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. PISCES TEMPLE

SHUN and APHRODITE are standing face-to-face. Tension amplifies between them. Rage reddens SHUN'S cheeks. Mystical wind blows and the two men have their hair flowing in opposite directions.

SHUN

(royally pissed)

What the hell do you mean you designed my armor and deliberately added the breast plates and the pinkness?

APHRODITE

What, are you fucking surprised? You think I would concede being the only female character who isn't female in this goddamned twisted story?

SHUN

GRRRRRRR! I'LL IONIZE YOU! NEBULA STORM!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

SHUN ("HIMSELF")

It's great learning experience for me. I mean, Shun just kind of grows on me. His bond with his brother is so real; I mean, with that kind of bond, who _wouldn't_ show up every time when his brother is in danger at precisely the nick of time, even though this is nearly impossible?

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. ISLAND

CERBERUS DANTE demonstrates some awesome abilities of smashing things and being really STRONG.

SHUN

I'm…I'm not afraid! My big brother used to say…

DANTE

"My big brother used to say, my big brother used to say…" You know what MY big brother used to say? He said "SCREW YOUR BIG BROTHER"!

SHUN

You fucker!

SHUN rips DANTE into pieces and spill his organs on the ground.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

IKKI ("HIMSELF")

He's a master deliverer of monologues. He's really a master of delivery of monologues.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. ISLAND

SHUN

I…I must continue. For my brother, for my goddess, for world peace…

MARINE GENERALS

Who the hell are you talking to?

SHUN

Uhhhhh…the audience?

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

DEATHMASK looks decidedly worn out with his forced smile.

DEATHMASK ("HIMSELF")

Again, this all goes back to the issue of the craftiness of the screenplay. Everything is sort of spelled out for the audience, whom we assume are idiots, without going out of the context of the setting.

He looks even more uncomfortable.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. NORTH POLE

SEIYA

SHUUUNNNNNNNNN! HELLLLLLP MEEEEEEE!

SHUN

I…I can't! I'm a pacifist, which means I can stand watching my comrades suffer and I can't think of any other ways other than fighting to help you!

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEWS:

DEATHMASK ("HIMSELF")

Uh, did you take that "idiot" thing out?

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. SCORPIO TEMPLE

MILO

I will use this poisonous fingernail to drill 15 small holes on your body, then I will squeeze out your blood to sell it on Ebay.

HYOGA

No you won't. I've got Jesus on my side.

CUT TO BACK INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

Like Shun, Hyoga also shares a very strong bond with someone else, and it is his grandmaster Camus.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. AQUARIUS TEMPLE

CAMUS pulls out a piece of paper that is folded into a small, thick square, unfolds it into a large, wrinkled rectangle, and starts reading aloud.

CAMUS

Sometimes people ask me why I bother teaching a person a technique if teaching him that technique will kill the person, but I reply that learning that technique is important, even though he will never use it or have the choice of using it.

CAMUS looks up, only to see HYOGA frozen into an ice coffin.

CAMUS

Gee, how strong the cooling device that I have here is. Well, goodbye, Cygnus Hyoga; it was nice teaching and killing you at the same time. My purpose of life is now complete.

(kills self)

CUT TO BACK INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

It is this bond that has defined Hyoga.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. AQUARIUS TEMPLE

HYOGA

(crying)

You unfeeling BASTARD! Why did you sink that ship, WHY?

CAMUS

(panicking)

Oh dear, please Hyoga, just calm down, take a deep breath –

HYOGA

(crying)

I didn't even get to say goodbye—!

CAMUS

(panicking)

Don't let your anger cloud your decisions—

HYOGA

(crying)

Or give her the rose that I stole from the Huntington Library –

CAMUS

(panicking)

I absolutely didn't intend you to —

HYOGA

(shouts)

You took my life! I'M GONNA TAKE YOURS!

CUT TO INTERVIEWS:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

I think when the audience first met Hyoga in the arena, or any of us really, they have no idea what kind of people we will develop into.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. SUNKEN SHIP, A.K.A. NATASHA'S WATERY TOMB

HYOGA

I'm angsty! VERY ANGSTY! This means I generally shouldn't have the exact behavior pattern that my non-angsty friends have…WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD HAVE!

CUT TO INTERVIEWS:

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

It's really one of the joys watching the audience, as they see how our characters unfold and develop. It's very refreshing.

CUT TO SERIES:

INT. ARENA

HYOGA

My power is that I can make female fans love and rave about my personality despite having none and being one of the most poorly-developed characters in this series.

CUT TO INTERVIEWS:

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Hyoga has the best training, most elaborate fighting style of all the Bronze Saints, or Gold Saints, for that matter.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. ATLANTIC SEA PILLAR

HYOGA attacks by dancing SWAN LAKE.

ISAAC

(rolling on the floor and laughing through tears)

Is that supposed to be threatening? C'mon, do that again!

CUT TO INTERVIEWS:

CAMUS ("HIMSELF")

Ah, yes. Diamond Dust. I think he's really talented, even though it's tough to beat other Russian dancers.

CUT TO THE MAKING OF VIDEO:

INT. CANTEEN

SHUN ("HIMSELF")

Hyoga, are you okay?

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Are you referring to my mother's perfectly preserved corpse that I can visit no longer?

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

Um, no.

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Are you referring to the fact that I was forced to murder my master Crystal Saint?

IKKI ("HIMSELF")

Of course not.

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Are you perhaps referring to the fact that I was forced to murder my Grandmaster Camus, then?

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

Not really.

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

So, you are referring to the fact that I was also forced to murder my childhood best friend, Isaac, an incident in which I also lost my left eye?

SHUN ("HIMSELF")

Not exactly.

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Hmm, are you then referring to the fact that every time there's a guy who can shape-shift or cast illusions I must fight my dear mother, again and again and again and again?

SHIRYU ("HIMSELF")

Uh, close.

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Then, perhaps you are referring to the fact that I am the only person here who has to significantly, REPEATEDLY SUFFER TRAGEDIES IN EVERY WAY UNTIL ALL MY CHARACTER BACKGROUND WAS EXHAUSTED AND I WAS CAST ASIDE AS THE MOST UNINTERESTING CHARACTER WHO HAS BARELY ANY MOTIVATION IN THE REST OF THE STORY EXCEPT FOR MY CONCERN FOR THE PEOPLE WHO CAN ONLY APPEAR IN FLASHBACKS?

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

Actually, we were wondering why the Creator hates you so much.

CUT BACK TO INTERVIEW:

SHUN ("HIMSELF")

I mean, it's obvious that Seiya is his avatar in this anime since he gets the finishing punch every time; Shiryu has a wise-old-man AND a healthy, pretty girlfriend who isn't going to drop dead anytime soon. Also, even though my brother doesn't show up too often, he's a loner, a phoenix, AND he gets all the teary, sibling-bonding stuff that the Creator clearly values. And then there's me. Oh sure, I might be a sissy, which effectively pussifies and demeans all my fanfic presence, but at least I have a brother that rescues me all the time, and I get to sacrifice myself in the most colorful, melodramatic ways. But Hyoga doesn't have any of that. Not anymore. Where we can point and say, "Here's the thing I'm fighting for," Hyoga fights only because he's tagging along with the rest of us. There are just no dramatic possibilities with him anymore. He's just so…boring.

HYOGA ("HIMSELF")

Oh, there's a good reason that I fight along them alright. It's because I must be the one who breaks their shiny little necks.

CUT TO SERIES:

SCHOOL

LITTLE SHIRYU is practicing the very first stage of ROZAN SHO RYU HA.

DOHKO

Stop it! Jesus Christ, you miserable no-talent dimwitted fuck, you are so breathtakingly lame, I have to intensify your training ten times and make your life a living hell, just to barely qualify you as an Athenian goon, given how goddamned retarded you are!

LITTLE SHIRYU

What's that?

DOHKO

You have met a very important opportunity for further advancement and I'm always here to readily help you exploring career possibilities and reaching your full potential.

CUT TO INTERVIEW:

SEIYA ("HIMSELF")

Out of us five, Shiryu is probably the most normal.

CUT TO SERIES:

EXT. FIVE PEAKS TRAINING SCHOOL

SHIRYU accidentally trips down a long series of stairs.

LITTLE SHIRYU

(crying)

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!

DOHKO

_What_ did you say?

LITTLE SHIRYU

Uh…um…

DOHKO

That's…what I thought you said.

(pause)

You freaking little sick prick. Get back to your room! NOW!


End file.
